Hello my friends. I have not been in the best of moods lately to write about anything. I've had quite the 2 weeks but now I'm ready to share. As I was dealing with many obstacles in my life while in the midst of my contest prep, I was told by someone on facebook that I should write about things as it will help me heal. I think she might be on to something!
Some of you who follow my updates via facebook might have learned that my father passed away last Sunday. I haven't seen him since I was 13 years old. I honestly did not know how to react - was I supposed to cry, be angry, not care, care a little, call someone...what was I supposed to do? I was told by one of his sons, one of my brothers, about this in an email. He did not have my contact info. I read it, and sat with the news for about an hour or so until I told someone. Needless to say, the person I shared the news with, his reaction was a bit more shocking than mine...perhaps I was still numb.
I called my mother, texted my sister...and went on about my business still trying to figure out how to feel. I mean, again, I hadn't seen him since I was 13, right?!
But then things slowly sank in. All my childhood memories of him started to slowly trickle into my mind, like little drops of water falling from leaves. As the hours went by, I started to feel this little aching pain right about my heart. Damn, maybe the diet and training is making feel weak. Nope, it was the news starting to settle in.
Since I was in Brooklyn when I received the news, the drive back to MA was quick...quicker than usual. But that's because my mind was preoccupied. I started to remember way too much too fast. I was feeling like crap by the time I had arrived home.
I remembered being held by him and what his touch felt like. I remembered touching his bald spot whenever he picked me up. I remembered his office number that I would constantly call when I was a little girl. And I remembered the last day I saw him - I was looking out the car window at his sad face, as we drove away to the airport. I knew he loved me. He would tell me so. I also felt it...felt it whenever he held me or whenever he called me by my childhood name "Amandita" (as in little Amanda).
The next day I finally received a phone call from one of his sons. His words, the message he related to me from my father is what cracked me in half. I felt my heart shatter to pieces. All the memories and the feelings I had deep down in my heart about his love, all were confirmed. It also killed me to learn that during his last days while in the hospital he called me by my childhood name, what he always used to call me, and asked for MY forgiveness. He never had to ask for my forgiveness...I forgave him a long time ago.
I went about my usual self, but I wasn't feeling 100%. Those who I'm in contact with would tell you this. I was really down, but I still couldn't justify it. Again, even though I kept in touch with him, I had not seen him since I was 13. And then by Wednesday I started to feel really really exhausted. Mentally drained. Physically unmotivated. My diet and training were taking over...but so was my father's death. On Thursday is when it all sank in. I was pissed. I was cursing my dad out. I was crying hard...and yelling. I hadn't cried like that in a loooong time. My eyes were swollen. Why did he wait so long to tell me what I already felt deep down in my heart? Why did he leave me like that? Why did he abandon me? I'm mad at you daddy. You should have given me a little more time to come see you...you should have hung in there for a little longer so I could have at least said good bye. I didn't get to say good bye. I'm mad. You left me with the warmth of your touch, your shiny bald spot, and the raspy voice calling me Amandita. I'm mad at you. I'm mad because you gave up on your fight with mom and allowed her to keep us apart. I'm pissed at you daddy. I knew you loved me...I was your little princess...and you left me. He left me without a good bye.
I am crying as I type this. I never thought that I would feel like this about a man who I hadn't seen in so long. But I can now justify it. You see, I had a relationship with him. I remember him. Clearly. I knew him, of him, and about him. He did exist. He was my father. And he loved me. I miss him...I've honestly missed him for years. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can break the bond between a parent and his/her child. I am living proof.
So daddy, even though I am pissed off at you, I want you to know I forgave you...I'm still mad though, so don't be slick and try to charm your way out of that one (he was a very charming man by the way). I am finding the energy within me to cope but I find myself every now and then thinking about you and I get weak. So next time I'm up on stage, just remember I'm thinking of you. Next time you see me hit the books to try and outdo myself one more time with my academic stuff, I'm thinking of you. Next time you see me give my own children unconditional love...it's all because of you. One thing I learned though...I will make sure I tell those I love that I love them...don't wanna procrastinate on that!
I loved you then and love you now dad. Rest in peace.
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