I have been doing very well lately...as a matter of fact, this is probably the best I've felt in a long time. Despite the usual home stuff, overwhelming schedule, and clearly not enough hours in the day to get things done, my spirits are at an all time high. This wasn't the case last year, or the year before that. I felt like my life had come to a complete stop. I was never an under-achiever but I had become complacent with the current standings of my life and lifestyle. I couldn't figure out a way to move forward and I was stuck in an every day routine that involved regret, resentment, arguing, distance from friends and family...basically the complete opposite of how I usually am. I can sit here and point the fingers and blame my divorce or the relationship I was in, but at the end of the day, I am responsible for my actions and the happenings (or lack thereof) in my life. Even though my fears had taken over my mind, I was very aware that me I wasn't in a good place. I had known this for a while, yet I cowardly stood still and let time go by while I wasted away the bit of skills and intelligence I knew I had in me. I let my fears control my decisions. I was afraid of letting go of my idea of love. I feared that after all I had been through in order to maintain a successful relationship, it was for nothing and it turned out to be a failure.
My experiences over the years taught me to survive in the most trifle of conditions - such that I am ashamed to discuss with you guys but in due time, I will share. However, those conditions were perhaps the most important life lessons I've ever learned about my own strengths and ability to get through the toughest of situations, including love!
|Fakhri, myself, and Rick. Great support|
system when I needed it the most
|Shelly and I. Her words |
this night stayed with me forever.
Thank you sister.
So how did I get the real me to come out? It wasn't easy. It took several steps, a lot of crying and pain. There was that one day, a day I hit an all time low, shortly after my June competition, where I put my own life at risk. I began thinking about my life, the relationships I had developed, and the relationships that I had to forfeit in order to remain living in that dreaded, fearful place. Then I thought about my children. They deserved to be with their mother and access me now more than ever. Why would I put them through this unhappy situation? That's when I had the courage to move on and move forward with my life.
|Eddie and I working backstage for |
Flexonline.com at the Olympia
So I became courageous and stopped dreaming and started doing. The things I had put on hold that I was afraid of doing for the sake of not upsetting the person I was in a relationship with were no longer a concern of mine. I set out a list of goals and decided that I would just move forward and accomplish them. I am in a place where I feel happy and fulfilled. Sure I have my moments and doubts every once in a while but I continue to move forward and look at life with cojones and courage.
|Me with Cherie Hill, Leanna Velez |
and Christy Pelletier at Montanari Brothers
Powerhouse Gym in New Haven, CT
I've embraced all of my experiences and this process has brought me a so much spiritual growth as well as many wonderful friendships.
I sure do hope you guys take the time to share and check out the new website. I would encourage you all to even write an article or a story on any of the topics available, or come visit often to see what we have to offer.
I want to say thank you to the people who have influenced my life tremendously. Some don't even know how much support and courage you've given me even if it was a simple 2 minute conversation with inspiring words.
I'd like to leave you guys with the thought of believing in yourself. Be courageous and find that one person or the people who are positive and will push you forward. Find the courage to move forward! Your life will be so much better. Trust me. BE COURAGEOUS TODAY!